Monday, November 10, 2014

Six Feet Above

I used to believe in fairy tales. In once in a lifetime loves. In romance.

I thought that words meant just as much as actions. That best friends were forever.

And then I fell in love. Poured my heart into everything I had. And in the end, I was left with a broken heart.

There are no words to describe the breath squeezing pain that collapses your chest when the person you've planned a life with for seven years decides that it's over. I didn't have any warning. One night it was a kiss and the next it was a break.

For seven years I had given this person every ounce of myself. There wasn't a holiday that went by where I didn't make this person feel special, when in return, I was receiving only heart ache.

I forgave.

Because that is what love is. Forgiveness for what the other person does. Forgiveness for the broken feeling they give you every birthday, Christmas and Valentines. This person was flawed, but I learned to love the flaws like they were diamonds. I had been holding on to that hurt for so many years that I was done. I would be a different person.

The bitterness that gave me anxiety and depression weren't going to hold me back anymore. I was going to enjoy my life and spend it with the person I loved. Until they decided I wasn't a part of that anymore. That for months they had been planning on breaking my heart so that they could find themselves. The level of commitment that we had created, and the comfort we had established, weren't enough to say our love was something important.

They were selfish and had been for years. I let this happen. I gave them the control to do it.

I do not know how to do this. To be single. To know that I can look at another person and be okay with thinking they are attractive. Or flirting - a concept that used to mean I wasn't secure in my relationship. I do not need permission any longer to feel alright with myself.

This is my account of getting over heart break. Of finding the person I had buried for so many years because I thought whoever I had become was better. The moments that drag me back to feeling worthless and unloved, the moments where I never knew a high so filling could exist and the moments where I simply am will be written here.

I do not know how to heal. But this is where I start.